5 Things I've Learned from My Picky Eater

Dinner Bar: A bit of this and that from the fridge, including fresh fruit and vegetables, and homemade no sugar added cookies.

1. I can’t control everything. 

Truly, I can only control myself. Using Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility , I can control what and when we eat, and my children can decide if they want to eat, what they eat, and how much. I can also control my attitude and reaction. My WHY is bringing the family together for meals in a way that brings comfort and joy to our family (link for another blog post on this). The food is secondary.

2. Learning how to eat takes time. 

I’m still learning how to eat, and I’m 44 years old. Food and nutrition are important, but I have recognized that It’s a long game I’m playing, so getting worked up and upset right out the gate isn’t helpful to my family or to me.

We take time and attention in helping our children learn how to walk and talk, and we don’t use bribing or dealmaking to do it. We create an environment that supports their development, we nurture them, we encourage them with our words and actions.

Why shouldn’t we take the same approach when children are learning how to eat? Learning how to eat doesn’t end at trying solids - that’s just the beginning. 

3. Set up for success. 

When I offer a variety of food groups at the table where the kids can serve themselves, I set us all up for success. I do this by also including a food item that I know my kids will eat (also known as an “accepted” food. It doesn’t have to be their favorite). Examples for Zoe include bread, rice, noodles, scrambled eggs, cottage cheese, sliced apples, orange wedges, broth. I can also deconstruct the meal.

I have fulfilled my duty in providing a variety of foods at a scheduled time to the family, and now the kids can fulfill their duty of eating if they are hungry, and choosing the foods they want to eat based on their tastes at the moment, and on what is provided.

The anxiety I was feeling over my youngest daughter Zoe’s eating has been transformed into hope. She knows the structure and routine of our meals and knows that I’m offering different options for each meal. She now feels confident in choosing items (even if it’s just bread or milk) and sitting and having a meal with us. Before, she would immediately shut down after looking at the food, asking to leave the table.

4. Model instead of teach, encourage instead of praise (Responsive Parenting).

I can model healthy living to my kids through being active, sitting down and giving thanks for our food, and taking the time to honor mealtimes by mindfully eating and enjoying our time together as a family. I can also involve them in the planning and preparation of meals.

I work towards that instead of focusing on telling them about which food is healthy because I don’t want them to feel bogged down in shame if they choose “bad” foods, whether that’s shaming themselves or others for eating certain foods. So then if one child finishes her dinner or tries something new, I avoid saying, “GOOD JOB EATING!” Or “You’re such a good eater!”

I don’t want eating to be performative, instead, I want my kids to be in tune with their bodies and choose foods that support their hunger queues. This doesn’t mean that I will serve highly palatable foods all the time, nor that I will make a special meal outside of what I’m offering for the evening.

Like other aspects of parenting, my own relationship with eating has been even more clearly revealed to me through planning, preparing, and serving my family food. I’ve seen my perception of certain foods as “bad” or “good” play out in what I serve and how much.

5. Having too many food rules makes eating stressful. 

Stress around food can result in disordered eating, problems with digestion, and unwanted weight gain. I’ve tried lots of diets -Atkins, Paleo, Weight Watchers, tracking my food. All of these experiences helped me to understand a bit more about my relationship with food and my body.

Eventually though, it became an obsession: tracking my food, watching the time, making sure I’m staying on plan.

I noticed that becoming too stringent was affecting my joy. I was thinking about what I was eating and what everyone else was eating. I was obsessing over food.

I don’t want to hijack my kids’ focus during a meal; I want them to experience joy during mealtimes and create warm memories that they can cherish and pass along. 

What do you want to pass along to your kids or loved ones around eating? I’d love to hear about it!

B Well,

Cynthia